Great to be blogging again!
If at all I were to be asked 'Has there been any change in you/your life?', I would say yes.
I was in a life where going to classes/assignments/attending lab sessions/writing records/preparing for internals were the only things that mattered apart from the regular tackling I had to do in my home. Having come to a place where guessing the language of the state in which it is in is very difficult, I feel I have been pushed to handle responsibilities(though I am loving it), learn things the hard way(as always it has been) and most importantly, learn to walk alone(for the benefits of your own self). Yes, it is Bangalore! I have been asking 'do I miss Coimbatore in ways I can't compensate for in Bangalore?' to myself. The true answer is NO. It might sound strange hearing this from someone who has spent 12 years in Coimbatore. It was strange to myself! I had to figure out why i was so comfortable in Bangalore (or rather) why wasn't I uncomfortable in Bangalore. The reason is that I am living a life of less apprehension when compared to what I was in Coimbatore. Fear of failing my parents/fear of not living up to expectations/ lack of confidence over which people called me over-confident/ lack of clarity in what I want to do are a few of the fears I had been managing for those 12 years. It became difficult at a point where I locked myself inside the door and kept thinking of all these fears, sometimes with watery eyes. I have been able to overcome all these fears.
Though I would not say that I have got clarity in thoughts, I would definitely say that I am being more of myself in this busy city. I am living all those I-am-also-a-normal-guy-with-normal-wishes moments laughing out loud whenever possible (even in my workplace). I am opening up my mind. I am trying to help people around me. I cater to my selfish needs with a lot of caution. I try to save money. But, I am still doing the mistake of thinking beyond what I should be. I take things to my heart very easily. Bangalore is easily teaching me to live the corporate life. Is this the voice of a frustrated kid? I don't know. What do I want to do in my life? I don't know. Am I doing the right thing? I don't know. Overall, the conflicts still remain the same but the fear because of others is gone, though the fear arising from my uncertainty still remains. In short, conflicts of my conscience still persist.
Not many wishes for the coming year. I only hope I get a little more clarity. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! :)
A beautiful post straight from the heart :) keep writing da.
ReplyDeleteSure da. True! It was straight from my heart.
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you actually felt better here! Anyway, an honest outburst :) No one knows the answers to those questions very clearly. It will all open up, in due time and I believe you are on track :)
ReplyDeleteHappy new year!
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ReplyDeleteI myself didn't know! It is always a late realization.
ReplyDeleteSame goes here, I never thought u would like the place after hating the job. And i like the part where u say u like being an average individual(normal) rather than the above normal individual u were.
ReplyDelete@ Shil and Amar: It is not about liking the place . No attraction towards the place as such. It is just that I am away from certain fears! That's it. How will I even think Bangalore to be better than Coimbatore?!
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult to admit certain deep fears to oneself, let alone admit/ confront it in public. Kudos to that! Anyway I must say introspection up to a certain level is healthy
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